Queen of the Neighborhood

As the 4th draws near, I have to comment on the enormous celebration that my cluster of neighbors is putting on tomorrow. I should preface this with a little information about the queen of the neighborhood who lives across the pipestem from me. (I live on a pipestem with about 9 houses).

When we moved in a year ago, she was one of the first to drop off a plate of baked goods to welcome us to the neighborhood. I thought that she was really nice until I realized that she worked for one of those home-sales food companies, and I always sort of wondered if she was merely trying to gain a customer. The Queen is in charge (in name or behind the scenes) of many of the neighborhood social gatherings (such as Bunco, Friday fun nights in the summer, the New Year's Eve bash, and the Labor Day picnic --- yes, this is a very social neighborhood). Everyone defers to the queen. She is always consulted by those who hope to plan neighborhood events.

Shortly after we moved in, I started to wonder about her. She seemed to favor some with her friendship while she ignored others. Often, she wouldn't even acknowledge me when I was out in the front yard with my kids. I fretted that our grass was too long, that maybe my hedges weren't quite right, or if I had done SOMETHING to upset her. I really wanted my new neighbors to like us so I started to have a complex about the Queen's interactions with me. I knew that she was at the hub of all neighborhood activity, and I had heard that when she started bad-mouthing people they were usually black-listed. Apparently, she really disliked the people who had previously owned our house, and I wanted to lift her curse.

As these things usually go, a little bit started to seep out here and there about the Queen. No one wanted to challenge her or openly bad mouth her, but before long it was clear that some people were not big fans. She is definitely the kind of woman that most of the husbands find annoying. It turns out that the Queen has had run-ins with the principal at the local elementary school too (she was PTA president, of course) and even moved her kids to another school (at which she is now PTA president). I finally got my wits about me and realized that I didn't need the Queen's approval. Soon I had made some like-minded friends in the neighborhood and remembered that the Stepford wives routine was not for me.

So here it is, the weekend of the 4th. I found out months ago that our pipestem and other assorted people from up the street always host a little kiddie parade and block party type cook-out, followed by the at-home variety of fireworks. This sounded good to me. I genuinely like most of the neighbors and thought it would be nice to be at home instead of traveling into D.C. to see the fireworks. But the plans for this party have moved into the completely outrageous realm.

Two days ago, the Queen knocked on my door. I had heard through the grapevine that she wanted to use my driveway for the dessert portion of the cookout. I was anticipating that she was going to ask me about this. Instead, she told me that I was responsible for the craft table. Huh? I had not heard about this aspect of the celebration. "Oh, you know -- just some crafts for the little kids to keep them busy," she said. I had heard that she had tasked another neighbor with arranging games for the kids to play (secretly, I had breathed a sigh of relief that it was not me). So here I was getting a worse assignment! I sort of thought that between the parade, the cook-out, and the fireworks, our kids would be pretty entertained. But now we have games and crafts. In addition, there will be a moon bounce. Can you say over-stimulation?

As the Queen and I talked about crafts (I have boys so I needed a primer -- boys are really not that interested in crafts), my next door neighbor walked up to discuss with the Queen the assignment she had been given -- tie-dying t-shirts with the kids. Okey dokey, I thought, these people are insane. The Queen then commented that she didn't want things to get too complicated. Okay. Sure. We were already there.

So, here is the itinerary for tomorrow: baseball game in the morning, parade in the afternoon, games for the kids and adults, tie-dying t-shirts, my freaking CRAFT table, a moon bounce, COOKING-OUT (wasn't that the point?), a variety show (newly added just today!), and finally fireworks. Nothing like a little low-key neighborhood cook-out!

Maybe next year we will risk getting on the Queen's bad side and go to D.C.